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Sometimes I just wish someone would kill me now and take the worry of life love and loss away from my troubled mind. I fear for my crimes I am going to have to become scotch swilling work alcoholic who keeps toiletries in the office draws, for it seems that when working as hard as possible my mind becomes the least pre-occupied with her…..
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
When I feel like life is almost becoming smooth in it’s functioning, I always have to tear deep at my core stability. I will log into my other facebook account and check on my Ex, I do this to see the happiness and her content with life for every time I see this it reminds me that I was but a scratch on her beautiful existence. Though for leaving her I did the right thing and left her to live life without me it still brings me to my knees with a pain that stems emotionally and physically from my heart. If this pain is not enough from her evident joy without me then rip further like a kid with a scab I cannot stop until I bleed, I am not looking for a little bubble of blood but a floor with a pool and a crime scene photo. Achieving this crippling pain is a simple task of reading the last email she ever sent me, she exclaims that she does not hate me but yet she never wants to speak to me again. This same women not a year before had exclaimed that no matter what we would always be friends, nowadays it seems small talk is to much between friends. I told her then that no matter what I would always be her friend but told her that I find it highly unlike she would remain mine. I had always told her that I would be a phase and that one day she would no longer need me, she never could grasp this. When that day came she still could not grasp it, I had to behave in such a way to push her hand to force her non trust and to bring out her undercurrent of hatred that she will never admit she has. I had to do it for the truth was always that I needed her and she never needed me, I knew I would grow to be a parasite on her very beautiful existence.
I live be a set of moral rules, a code if you like and I always told the women I date who I was and that they did not want me. However they were all at the time naive now they have grown they all choose not to talk to me. I have but three rules :
1.I will never sleep with anyone under the influence of drugs or alcohol.
2.I will never sleep with anyone in a relationship or anyone who is married.
The third rule which I normally miss out is this, I will never stay with a women that no longer needs me who is now in such a state for which there normal life path may resume.
I will do anything to help my friends murder and prison are just words and one day I will have to face them both anyway, so to face them sooner helping someone is of no consequence. I try my best to fix broken women unfortunately for me the only way I know to do this is to love those women. I now live a life of solitude to some extent as the lumineers put it:
I’ve been trying to do it right
I’ve been living a lonely life
I’ve been sleeping here instead
I’ve been sleeping in my bed
Genius way to get your blog shared…..
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I’ve traveled 230 mile to see you,
leaving in the cold darkness of the early hours of the morning.
I arrive at sun rise, a brisk fresh morning.
Not clear but dew’d in a mystical haze, a light fog.
To the left only an outline of St Ives is possible,
to the right Godrevy lighthouse is adorned in a haze.
The waves roll and crash and on this Sunday,
like any other day they can, there is a pilgrimage.
Hoards of surfers up at the break of day,
travel here just to be free.
They have such a will to surf they don’t just walk towards the cliff they pace with a light footed tweak in there steps.
When waiting for a wave they make the sea look like a millpond,
little specs just floating so piece-fully.
Once they have claimed there wave the start of freedom,
they animate the sea as if they were an extension of nature.
This sight though so domestic,
though so developed,
is by piece, love for a wandering minds eyes.
Bringing hope that humanity has not completely been lost.
As humans we have the right to be Happy, how we achieve it is up to us.
I like to read this email sometimes and cause myself pain it reminds me I am at least human:
Received 4th April 2012 from my ex:
Firstly, this will be the last time I contact you nicely. As far as I am concerned this is now harassment and if you contact me again I will go to the police about it. I’m not joking.
You do not need to tell me what you’ve done. I already know. I will now be having words with Matt as I asked him not to tell you.
You broke my heart, and destroyed my confidence. I rebuilt my life without you in it, and I see no need for you to be in it now. We were friends, but I now see no need for somebody I can’t trust in my life. You seem incapable of taking a hint. I do not need to call you for help, it doesn’t matter to me if you are there or not. I have NO NEED for you in my life.
I won’t have a conversation with you, and I don’t care if that hurts. You hurt me. Love you? You’re joking right? I DO NOT want you in my life. I had NO FEELING towards you, all you have done by harassing me is make yourself very pathetic and irritating.
I am being an adult about this, you are the one who isn’t. I have nothing to say to you, but you seem incapable of understanding this. I do not want you in my life. Accept it.
If you contact me again AT ALL (even in response to this email) I will go to the police and report this as harassment. I DO NOT WANT to hear from you again.
I look and try to breath, but I can’t I just freeze.
My heart stops it skips that beat, it hurts me.
I can’t move, I can’t think, you have once again consumed me.
I thought we were always going to be friends.
Now here I am looking at a photo of you, I have no idea how you are.
I don’t know who’s special in your life, I don’t even know if your happy.
It kills me that your the first person on my mind every morning and the last every night.
I don’t know you any more, but after 2 years your all that’s on my mind.
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It’s seems that life has just split!
over and over again like an amoeba,
into segments and sections.
As time goes on, more fractures happen,
each fracture creating a new tree of relationships.
climbing up the tree is always easy,
but when you come to re trace your step to climb down,
suddenly the world has grown and you have shrunk.
You realise that time has kept moving whilst you stood still,
whilst you failed to keep a peace-meal bond with those you cared for.
These fractures have no definitive pattern,
they just pass like time.
Soon it dawns on you,
I know this person Where? How? When?
You find yourself reminiscing and wondering,
it leaves you with an awkward uneasy feeling.
This feeling makes the world feel unbalanced,
uneven and suddenly so big, so vast,
Once again you feel small and alone.
It will take days for this to re balance,
only for a week latter it to happen again.
Your life is now just full of fractures passing you by in time.
It’s not that I’m not looking or wanting love, cause I am.
However my take on love seems to be different to everyone else’s, I believe you can love more than one person at one time. Because of this I think I might be lonely for some time.
Though in general the rest of my life isn’t bad, in fact on monday I start my first proper job straight out of uni. I haven’t even got my grade for my degree. She is still the last thing I think of at night and the first thing in the morning.
I still say good night to her, I still wish her all the best and apologise to her. She she no longer even wishes to pass small talk or pleasentaries with me, she has asked me never to contact her ever again.
I still look at pictures and try and remember the times we spent together, I try to remember what it was like to be loved to be awoken in the morning and see those eyes. No matter how much I try I my lips and tongue can’t remember the sensation of passionately kissing another.
The joke in it all is I left you because I don’t believe in monogamy and I knew one day I would end up cheating on you, I never wanted to cause you that pain. And here I am the one with the bottle of scotch and the dirty glass. The joke is I haven’t seen another women since and I have no desire to and there you are strong as ever and as far as I know happy and I really hope you are, otherwise all this pain was for nothing.
Not only have lost you as a sole mate but a friend, the closest friend I ever had, I now have no one to talk to, no one to comprehend. I have friends but none of them like you. Sometimes I wish you hated me and enough to put me in prison because at least then I wouldn’t be sat here like this.
So now I just bide my time, I suspect I will become a lonely workaholic.
I’ll die before I put myself through this again.
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